Letter to God.... and trying different ways of attracting new readers

They keep telling me I need to get more material on the internet. Let readers see a variety of things I've written. It might just hook that reader who's put off by the fact that most of my stuff is set in Thailand.

Well I'm getting to an awkward age and started thinking of my own mortality the other day. Do I really want eternal life? Years in business taught me you have to think through all the implications, particularly if the offer seems too good to be true. Well there was plenty of stuff I just couldn't fathom, so I wrote this letter to God. If anyone has him on a contact list, could you pass it on...

Dear God,

I just wanted to start by saying that I’m really grateful, the purgatory thing and all that. It was pretty tough getting used to the idea of being dead so having this half way house idea has been great. You meet a load of other people who are going through all the same stuff and it’s been good, it really has. Course it’s a bit of a shock at first, there you are crossing the road and then… WHAM. No pain, very sudden, that was nice but then you start thinking about what’s next.

Every day you wait for the list, hoping you’re going to get the nod. My grandma passed away three weeks before me, and I was there when they called her name… “Martha Turner… to Heaven.” We were all thrilled for her, no mistake. Three days later the angels turned up and she was off, we all cheered and whooped and threw flowers and hoped we were next.

Well that’s the issue really. This is going to really sound bad but I have to ask the question. Don’t get me wrong, I was chuffed to bits when they called my name this morning. It’s all I ever wanted. Right back to primary school, the nuns used to tell me that this was what it was all about, do the right thing and I’d be saved. Well it looks like I made it and I couldn’t be happier. It’s just that I never really looked at the small print before. Before I jump on the old chariot with Angel Gabriel at the wheel I wanted to get a bit more information about what to expect when I get there. Nothing personal it’s second nature to us accountants.

As I understand it, you’re all up there looking down benevolently on the people of earth, waiting for the worthy few to be reunited with their loved ones. It sounds great… in principle. I just need a bit more detail before I get really comfortable with the idea. Sorry about the bullet points, it’s the training, they just drum it into you.

· I love my Mum, she was an amazing woman, but she’d have shamed the Pope when it came to who was the more devoted follower of your good self. Sex was a sacred thing, only to be pursued between a man and a woman seeking to bring a new child into the world. The internet was in its infancy in her day, so she had no idea about the amount of porn that’s available at the click of a button and masturbation was nothing short of a capital offence. So here’s my question. Are they really up there looking down on us, if that’s the case, there could be some pretty awkward moments when I get my family reunion.

· I really cleaned up my act in the later years but I’d have to confess to being a “bit of a lad,” through my twenties. There are a few people who’d be amazed that I got the Heaven ticket, but you are a merciful Lord and always happy to forgive the sinner who repents. So I’m just wondering where I stand with the ones I might have sinned against. I don’t suppose that farmer down the road is going to get too worked up about the apples I nicked with Billy Murdoch, but old headmaster Thomas hated my guts. I’m sure he made the cut for heaven; he never stopped quoting the scriptures, but he always said he’d make sure I got my just desserts. I don’t think he meant that in a good way. If he’s up there, then I reckon things might just kick off when he spots me coming through the Pearly Gates. Then there was Mrs Jones. I think it comes under “coveting thy neighbour’s wife.” I’m not sure I did that much coveting to be honest, she didn’t give me a lot of choice, but if Mr Jones is sitting up there with you, I reckon the sparks are really going to fly.

So that’s the question really. It all sounds pretty great in principle, all the good guys getting together on the Elysian Fields strumming on your harps, but you can see why I’m pretty nervous. I really am grateful to be picked but if you could just throw a bit of light on what my Mum might know about what I’ve been getting up to since she passed, that would be really helpful. Anything you’ve got on segregation policies would be good too. It would be reassuring to know that I’m not going to be bumping into Mr Jones, or his missus for that matter.

That’s it really. I hope this finds you well and I’m sure you’ve got all this stuff sorted otherwise I reckon it would be a bit of a bun fight up there. Just be nice to have it all clarified before Gabriel comes to pick us up on Wednesday.

Best wishes

John Smith

PS. If you have some sort of itinerary to hand could you throw that in as well. It’s all second nature to you guys but for a new arrival, it’s pretty daunting, I mean what do you actually do all day? I can imagine it would be bliss for a month or so… but eternity?